Why Your Team Sucks 2. Dallas Cowboys. Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys.

But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2. 01. 7 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY FUCK JERRY. Fuck Jerry. And triple mega- fuck Chris Christie with a nacho cheese firehose.

Your 2. 01. 6 record: LOL who gives a shit let’s just skip to the ending: Let’s see that again. And again. And again. Fuck it, one more angle. Perfect. Jared caught the ball.

No matter how rich and powerful Jerry Jones gets, I can always count on his team—America’s Moral Sewer—to turn into a clown show anytime they sniff the postseason. And I can always count on their fans to be absolute scum who are always begging to be humiliated. They lie in wait until the team is good again and take the opportunity to maximize ALL of their insufferability, to remind you just why you despised the Cowboys to begin with. Then, like clockwork, comes the comeuppance, which they’re too stupid to ever see coming. Lose forever. Your coach: WHY’D YOU SPIKE THE BALL YOU STUPID PRINCETON FUCK?

Never forget that the Jared Cook catch never could have happened without Jason Garrett ordering his QB to stop the clock on the previous drive. He’ll never learn proper game management, and for that I’m grateful. He’s the best sleeper agent a Dallas hater could ever ask for. Your quarterback: Dak Prescott. Let me tell you what’s gonna happen to Dak Prescott this season, now that he’s the unquestioned starter and the Cowboys let Tony Romo dangle for three months before he finally decided to screw off and retire to the booth.

Any time Dak struggles—and he will—Dallas fans will IMMEDIATELY beg for Romo to come back. It’s a lock. These front- running dye jobs are never, ever happy with the QB they have. So if they see ANY trace of slippage from Dak, they will burp and fart and talk about DCs getting tape on him and how he was just a flash- in- the- pan fourth rounder. It’s coming. They shat all over Romo, and now they’re gonna shit on YOU, Dak. The first three Dallas games are in primetime (by league rules, they must play in primetime 7.

Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the.

If he falters in any of them, Skippy Bayless is gonna run around naked with CAN DAK REALLY CARRY THIS TEAM ON HIS SHOULDERS? What’s new that sucks: LOL your running back got suspended. I’m gonna put all the arguments aside for and against Zeke Elliott getting a stern dose of the Ginger Hammer justice. That whole case is a goddamn mess and the NFL has already royally fucked it up, especially now that we know they ignored the recommendation of their own investigator in the case to NOT suspend Zeke. Jerry was a bullying shitbag through the whole ordeal.

Cowboys fans online have gone full Pepe on Zeke’s accuser. And outside of the case, Zeke just so happened to get himself in the middle of a bar fight and also pulled down a woman’s shirt and exposed her breast at a public parade. Not a lot of men to root for here. The NFLPA has already filed a restraining order on Zeke’s behalf (kinda ironic), Zeke is suing, and this whole thing only promises to get uglier and uglier, with the truth of the original incidents becoming less and less relevant. So what’s important to remember is that something bad happened with the Dallas Cowboys, and it will cast a pall over their entire season, and Jerry is apparently very upset about it, and that’s great.

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I wish Jerry was always as unhappy as he was the moment he got the news. I hope Christie accidentally falls on him in the luxury box and suffocates him to death with hot dog farts.

Elsewhere, one of the team’s wideouts had his dog kidnapped, and then was arrested for shoplifting in a breathtaking case of mistaken identity. Before his name was cleared, Dallas cut him, because they like to pretend to give a shit about character when it comes to fringe players. Jason Garrett was steamed his 1. After Lucky Whitehead was cleared, they used access merchants and anal lampreys like Albert Breer to smear his name and help cover for their titanic mistake. I hope Whitehead sues them for eleventy billion dollars. In other news, it’s a given that any Dallas edge rusher will find a way to get himself suspended, so say goodbye to David Irving for the first month of the season.

This defense is worthless without him. Half the secondary left. Their two best linebackers have one working ACL between them. So much potential regression. You could hold a diving meet off my erection right now. BOINGGGGGGGGGG! What has always sucked: I was watching a preseason game and Al Michaels described Jason Witten as “Canton- bound” and you know what? No. Fuck that. Fuck Jason Witten.

You don’t get to go to the Hall of Fame by being the world’s longest- lasting, boringest safety outlet. He’s never caught more than 1. TDs in a season. He’s gone over 1,0. Jason Witten blows. They should have replaced him years ago. But they’ll still let him into the Hall of Fame because Jerry bought his way in and will probably buy Witten’s way in, too. That’s how the NFL works now.

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Regardless of his tiff with Goodell, Jerry is still the shadow commissioner of this league, and he has remade the whole venture in his image. He engineered the existence of two shitty teams in LA. He runs stadium ops for teams that are not his own. And he has already pioneered new ways to drain local coffers by opening luxury practice facilities. This is a greedy, tacky, corrupt league with no soul at its core. It doesn’t really matter if the Cowboys regress this season—and again, they will. Jerry will still be the kingfish, raking in his money and spending it with all the sensitivity of Marie Antoinette: This is the America you live in now.

Not only do the bad guys win, they don’t even have to sneak around to do it. Everyone knows Jerry has a fixer (hmmm). Everyone knows Jerry is horny at all hours. Everyone knows the NFL has a fucked- up relationship will local prosecutors in case players—or the league itself—get in a jam. Watch Jack Reacher Putlocker#. It doesn’t matter.

You live in an age of naked, unapologetic corruption. No organization is a more fitting exemplar of this than the Dallas Cowboys and their tiresome, Real Housewives casting reject fans.